“What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?”
— Nick Dunne (Gone Girl)
These are the random ramblings of a girl who’s been through the highest of highs and lowest of lows. She fanciesÂ Amy Dunne too much that she almost pulled off similarÂ stunt, only to end up ricochetting back towards her.
To where does one find self-worth?
It’s not everyday you get to ask yourself that question. However, given the predicament I am in, I’ve been doing it every single day religiously for more than 4Â months already. Oh, the irony! The first quarterÂ of 2015 hasÂ been about survival and getting by.Â My journey has always been one step forward, two steps back. Life for me seemed to have hit the pause button and I’m somewhat stuck. Days pass by rather swiftly yet here I am on a standstill watching others as they go about with their respective lives.
No amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.
It’s time to live in the now, accept what has happened and make do with what’s left. Salvaging remnants may sound mediocre but it is part of dealing with the consequences. It’s like learning how to walk again. Baby steps. I will start byÂ making a conscious effort of moving forward and get reacquainted with life. For people like me who (sort of) chose every wrong option there is, happiness can be the most expensive thing that’s almost impossible to acquire.
Your mind is your worst enemy.
Getting consumed by your own thoughts is a dangerous thing and I can’t stress this enough. It is a chronic form of self-inflicted harm. A person’sÂ cognitive aspect can function as a trigger especially when exposed to cases of emotional instability.Â I’m not a bad person, I’m just a human who made the wrong choices.
Don’t regress, express!
Instead of sulking and nursing the sullen feeling, find a way to turn that negative into something positive. Easier said than done, I know. Diversionary activities or channeling your time and energy on something you’re passionate about is a good start. Experience teaches us lessons in ways books or school cannot. Oftentimes, these said lessons are the most importantÂ ones you come across in your lifetime.
Learn how to accept and love yourself; enough with people-pleasing!
On Discovery’s Eve Channel, I came across a reality show preview following the life of a plus-sized woman. “What’s the point of living if you don’t love yourself?”, she said. Her statement hit me that very moment and made me ponder on the thought that if I can’t love me, then who in this big ass world would? Exhausting all your efforts on others (only to yield futile results)Â just to gain their approval isn’t right. What happens when you mold yourself according to people’s taste and ideals?Â You end up losing your identity. You forget who you are. It isn’t quality life when you let possessions, money, or people control you. It’s kind of sad, really, that it took me 25 years to realize that valuable insight.
Stay humble and be grateful.
I stumbled upon bestie’s blog post 5 Words That Can Change Your Life. I got inspired so much after reading it that I immediately started writing down my thoughts disregarding its lack of cohesion. Thus, this unplannedÂ post came into fruition. I’m thankful for having friends who have overwhelming optimismÂ inÂ life. For what I lack (in terms of positivity),Â they fill in. They have become an affirmation that I am not alone and I’m not facing this transitionÂ alone.
Change is a naturally-occurring phenomenon and there’s no sense fussing on things whichÂ you have absolutely no control over. A friend once said to me that I should stop being cynical. The world is filled with too much negativity so there’s no need toÂ unconsciously spread cynicism.
This is me… embracing change.