*Found the perfect stress-free Monday to publish this post that’s been sitting on my drafts since the 15th of June*
Have you ever felt highly misunderstood? That everything you wanted to express realizes into what’s opposite of it? That time and again you see yourself as a failure to those you hold dearly? Why is it so hard to appease them? That no matter how hard you try, it just seems like you couldnâ€™t do anything right?
Until when will I subject myself to (this self-imposed) suffering? Why does happiness make me feel guilty? Why do I shutdown on certain conversations that somehow relates to who I am (or was) even if the topic doesn’t directly involve me? Pangs of remorse. Hits me everytime! :cry:Â
Over the years, I’ve learned that the best way to ease a heated conversation is silence. Or not. I could never find the will to voice my opinions, except through writing of course (and perhaps publishing it here so I could get my point across in a subtle way). There are days when I spend hours staring to a blank space consumed by assumptions I do not favor but I force to make myself believe that it’s true. I do acknowledge however that what you perceive doesn’t necessarily translate to what it actually is. Yeah, realism is a strange word to me so sue me.
Just recently I had one of the most personal discussions with my boss who happens to be a business coach. He knew what I was going through and he gave an advice or two that stuck with me.
- Have a moment to look at yourself in the mirror everyday. Find a reason to smile at your reflection. Yes, self-love doesn’t come easy but it is essential to your well-being.
- All of us are a little broken inside. That’s a fact. We all have wounds and these wounds turn into scars.Â It is inevitable to fuck things up but there are countless ways to cope.
Punishing yourself through deprivation and isolation won’t make you any better. As it turns out, most of what I thought are solutions are the very ones making it worse. I don’t expect anyone to understand me nor do I desire to be sided on which is why I prefer to keep my two cents where they should be. In my head. What I need right now though, is someone who cares and someone who’s tough enough to handle my know-it-all attitude. Stick around, I need you. We can agree to disagree and you can put me in my place anytime but please, don’t put me down. I’m too weak for that shit! :-(Â
*half-face black and white portrait by Digital Dreamspace*
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