Rainbow Puke of Thoughts

In Literary, Opinions, and Reviews, Wicked by Wicked YingLeave a Comment

I have no idea what or how I should feel whenever someone greets me ‘Happy New Year’. Happiness is such a far cry to even cross my mind. Life went batshit cray and turned complete 180 in a matter of days!

“Stepping into the void unaware.”  I came across this old photo caption while sulking in solitude. A mere caption turned into a challenge. My sudden hiatus got me contemplating about the past, the now, and the future. I’m clouded with uncertainty and fear of being alone. What will I do now? Where do I go from here? How do I start this journey of finding myself? Adjusting to the drastic change that’s bound to happen from here on is pretty scary! I’m about to take the first step out into the world, the real one.

If you’re reading this post, chances are you accidentally stumbled upon this space OR you’re intrigued about the recent brouhaha I dragged myself into then allow me to pitch you in. The incident broke a few days before Christmas – “the one” became “the one that got away” in a snap as evidenced by a slew of wall posts, name-calling, and hate rages on Facebook aimed at me.

Au revoir… 2014 left in such brutal haste! It ended not with a bang but with a life-changing and humbling experience. I have been through the worst of the worst. Believe me I did! By writing this post, I chose not to disclose the nitty-gritty and head straight to the gist of the controversy instead. I just want to air my side of the story as a way to reach out to the ones I’ve crossed.

I cheated twice in my relationship since 2013. Yes, twice!

I betrayed everyone from my family, my bestfriend, my childhood friend (her family too), my close friends, and most especially — my man. I’ve tricked people in the most unthinkable and unimaginable of ways. I keep saying all these cruel things that when scrutinized were more likely descriptive of me than to the person I’m referring it to. Pre-occupied by my own thoughts, overthinking or over-analyzing created problems in my mind that weren’t even there in the first place. It made me pessimistic. For every shortcomings encountered, I come up with a mental list possible worst-case scenarios. My thoughts get busy crafting plans to prepare myself ahead before any of those events materialize. I have developed this habit. This self-protection from non-existent dilemma made me lie, deceive, and manipulate people including those who genuinely cared for me. I reached a Regina George level of evil that I even created a Burn Book (Book of Hate) dedicated to my partner logging in the info of how we got into a fight. My paranoid thoughts, jealousy; trust issues, and insecurities were in that book too. Some were just in the head it sounded unrealistic that I can’t bring myself to re-read those entries. Upon checking related posts I also found old ones titled I overthink things and I do not understand myself. Frustrated about life, I expressed that it felt like I’m just existing, breathing but not living? Some might think I am making this up or my imaginary problems are not an excuse but this certain personal battle within me is real. It’s the reason how I became a very selfish person which overtime has made me a grand schemer. That’s the truth. 

They say cheating isn’t an accident but a choice. Do I agree? Yes. I am a cheat. I made bad decisions along the way assuming I can get away with it all by covering my tracks with lies. I cheated not because I fell out of love with him but our relationship reached a time when we became too comfortable. Our focus shifted on other interests (blog/photography/music/work) that we lost sense of how it is to be a couple. It felt like we’re just partners in a professional kind of way. Eventually, I missed the attention, affection and connection. Where did all those go? We spent less time together because we got busy keeping up with things. So when boredom and monotony reached its peak, I went out to explore what’s out there. Someone else fulfilled the connection I once yearned. It started out as pure friendship but overtime this confidant became the other guy. Early morning jogs, texting in secrecy, hours of late night phone calls, movie/resto dates, including late night trysts. I had my time. Things got way out of line and far too deep that phrases like young, wild, and free or drugs, sex, rock and roll would be an understatement. We got carried away with the cheap thrills of affection and were lured into the hook-up culture unknowingly. Sure it was fun but it’s a short-lived addicting kind of fun. It has fed my make-believe fantasy world for a moment. I’m not going to deny there’s a nagging feeling of guilt knowing we are hurting people but the impulse overpowered our mind and conscience (granted we have one). I keep denying about the allegations not realizing how obvious our acts were to others. From then on, I lost all contact with reality, sanity even!

December 22  was the day when all hell broke lose. I do not know what to do for I have never seen that level of anger on his face before. With all facts laid out supported by data, I was caught red-handed. Cornered and caught off guard, I resort to firing back with rage to neutralize the situation but there’s no escaping this time. I keep coming up with reasons to justify my wrongdoings but with all my hideous deeds unraveled, the world as I know it crumbled before me. Where did all my logic go? I had a home. I had someone. Although I cannot say that I felt remorse right then and there, seeing the disappointment in my loved ones faces broke me. I have failed them. I have fooled them. I have left them. Where to go from here? I am indecisive trying to play safe, abiding my time and simply letting the situation take its course. Using escape as a defense mechanism, I figured it is probably the best option to leave all this behind me ASAP! I had a back-up plan set out. Will another Houdini act change my unresolved issues (and me)? I was able to pull this stunt successfully before but until I learn my lesson, history will just repeat itself.

To the people who cared about me (I can just count them using my fingers) when the issue blew up, please don’t antagonize him for his rages or hate sprees for I deserve all of it. Sure some posts can be extreme or explicit to post in public but don’t we all go berserk when emotions take control? It isn’t easy being betrayed by your partner, not to mention twice. When you add two years of deception, lies, fakery, incessant or unexplainable mood swings to the mix then it’s safe to conclude I made life tough for him needlessly. The ever-curious public might not know this but he’s the only one who actually stayed, reached out, and tried to patch things up. Those who I consider friends have (for the lack of appropriate terms) disowned me. Friends? Some showed real concern, others were just fishing for deets. Touche! Seeing how unforgiving the world can be, life isn’t child’s play or a fairy tale. You can’t control people or make up stories for your own good. Sad to know things like this had to happen for me to open my eyes, realize my mistakes then see the aftermath. Root cause? ME. It took me a while to ponder on that idea and reflect on it. It is indeed time to wise up.

“Get off the fantasy island babe. There’s no such thing as paradise. Live in the now. This is life.” he kids.

I have no idea how I could do that to someone who did nothing but build a better life for us both. I have become increasingly controlling, jealous, and paranoid and yes, I was never the good girlfriend to begin with! My insecurities and constant need for attention made me selfish. I can remember him saying that I’m ungrateful and unsupportive yet I didn’t quite get his side on this. Every confrontation he makes is fired back with an alibi not to mention a convincing one at that. This cycle would’ve continued if he did not discover what I had done. He trusted me way too much so I exploited it thinking I can get away with it. Up until now, my selfishness gets in the way. I am the unstable one. He did his part to try to understand why I am what I am. We never stopped communicating. He got me all figured out now. He can tell when I’m lying or downplaying the story. In the end, he still saved me from myself when he could’ve left me for good. Up until our last moments together, he always fixed problems for me. His perseverance paid off. Too bad we headed to another direction before I could appreciate what we have. I can tell it will never be easy to forget this ultimate betrayal. I was his one and only. He built me. He treated me like a queen. Figuratively, I bit the hand that fed me and forgot where I came from. We invested way too much in our relationship and chosen niches that we were able to build our little empire from scratch. Similar to what you see on chick flicks, we both lost everything on Christmas Day. We spent the holiday crying together as our dreams shatter before us. The vision we wanted to achieve and the goals of dominating our chosen fields were thrown out the window. Memories are starting to flash back when we reviewed photos and trips we accumulated through the years but what hurt me the most is seeing my face tattooed on his arm. That image represented everything about us. It became our bragging right that it won the most coveted award in a tattoo competition. It symbolized all our interests – music, purple, photography, stars, and tattoo. It was us – our forever for fuck’s sake! A moment of breakdown, wake-up call, or reality check (whatever you like to call it) started when he brought up the topic of covering it up. How could I let the best 4 years of my life go down the drain?

The day I posted a happy selfie was the day we met to plan what happens next. Its best to talk when both of us are in the right state of mind and mood. Eager to fix this shit right away, something tells me that I about to live a double life… yet again! He gave me an ultimatum. Tell everything now or keep secrets and continue the lying game. I wanted us to get past this issue so I confessed all my wrongdoings. Every detail of my cheating, the escape plan and the web of lies I have spun. Everything. There’s a great chance I will be spending the rest of my lifetime on shoulda-woulda-coulda and what-ifs! Part of me thinks he’s better off without me yet part of me is hoping he’d take me back. Not sure how our relationship will end up. My top concern is to ask for his forgiveness so we can close this chapter in our lives with hatred completely gone. 

When will you ever learn, girl? Okay, let’s say you’re broken and somewhat dysfunctional so take it as it is because there’s no one left to blame but yourself. Own up to it; go tell the world what you did! Acknowledging the situation and dealing with the consequences is the least I could do. Accepting the embarrassment and humiliation is a small price to pay for every reckless move I made.

TRUST – something I lost, abused, and learned. I trusted the wrong people too soon then doubted those who have been there all along. This process might take me years to earn it back again and prove I’m worthy.

I guess now is right time to apologize to the concerned parties and everyone I have wronged. I’m sorry. I did so many bad things I ended up destroying lives as I pass by them. I created unnecessary conflicts due to my hedonistic impulses. In effect, relationships were destroyed and lives were broken. The damage is beyond repair. Saying sorry will never be able to bring things back like it once was but please know I deeply regret what I had done. Part of being human is to commit mistakes and I learned my lesson the hard way by taking life’s bitchslap at face value.

The Wicked Ying may have internalized the wicked part a tad bit much she became the epitome of a “bipolar”, vile, twisted person who’s a stranger of her own skin. Days of writing plus emotional episodes in between, this confession via blogging has been really therapeutic. Who knew telling the truth can a liberating experience, albeit late? Escaping or keeping mum won’t give me closure. I must say, it is no easy feat mustering the courage to come clean (before the public). I needed this for me to have my own peace of mind and by putting this issue to rest, I hope we could all recuperate. Let us start the year right and move forward. 

Share this Post